(Not based on Astrology)

Aries (March 21-April 19): [Gasp!] You actually did it! I mean, it was slightly stupid, but kinda fricken awesome. Execution was 10/10.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Boundaries..B..B...B...B...Boundaries. Sing it with me now.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Your duality shines this week. The Cadillac Three nailed it: You’re hotter than tabasco and sweeter than sweet tea.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): It is a marvelous night for a moondance, but you gotta keep your clothes on. Sheriff Lemieux is tired of all the calls.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22): Yippee-Ki-Yay cowgirl/boy/person! You got thrown off the horse and that wasn’t fun. Time to get back on. Be one with the horse. And hold on tighter this time, okay? Squeeze those thighs.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22): Did you hear that a queer biker gang is being formed here in the valley? We ride at dawn!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct 22): This is a doozy of an assignment. Invite Karen and Ken (or was it Chad?) over for a backyard BBQ. Cross the aisle and try to understand a different perspective. Try not to catch the covids. Please report back.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): I don’t care what everyone says, you’re not “the most evil” astrological sign. I mean top 3 for sure. But I like a challenge with a touch of spicy.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Did you need a cordial invitation to help with those dishes, or what?! Go on now...git. Put some elbow grease into it.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): You had one job….and you nailed it!!

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): I want you to go and count how much money you have in the swear jar. I bet you have enough to buy a yacht, ya sailor!

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20): It’s like you were born to be a Project Coordinator or something. You organize this and manage that, all while being effortlessly cool and boat loads of fun.