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(Not based on Astrology)

Aries (March 21-April 19): It’s a brave new world. Quit ramming your head against the used-to-be’s. Go put on some cozy sweatpants and start hatching that plan for world domination.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Sudden changes are hard, but it’s time to re-center. I want you to draw a hot bath, drop in a bath bomb, and dream about the kaleidoscope of possibilities.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Oh Gemini, it’s hard not to love everything about you.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Your assignment this week is to just breathe through all the bullst. Yes, you can still cry.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22): Has anyone ever told you that you actually look like a lion? Because you do. Fierce AF.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22): Quit ruminating on that embarrassing thing you said during class in 3rd grade. No one remembers it but you. To quote the Drive By Truckers, “If you were supposed to watch your mouth all the time I doubt your eyes would be above it”

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct 22): I know you love being all fair and balanced and whatever, but I think you should take a side this time, and fight like hell. Even if it’s just a pillow fight.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): Why are you always so sassy?! We all want to either be you, or be with you! Take it down a notch. We just want to be friends.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Now would be a good time to quit those mindless romance novels you love so much, and sink your teeth into something with more substance, like science fiction.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): You should totally adopt that wonky looking senior cat at the shelter. That little floofer needs you, and you need it. Just sayin’.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): You are doing a fantastic job at life. Everything you touch turns to awesome. So if you could tone it down a bit….you’re making the rest of us look bad.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20): Are you overwhelmed right now? Me too. It’s okay to be overwhelmed. Show yourself a little self care. Get a massage, treat yourself to a mocha, buy a Ferrari.