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(Not based on Astrology)

Aries (March 21-April 19): In honor of National Self Improvement Month I want you to do that thing that you know would improve your day to day but that you keep putting off. You know what I’m talking about. Just try it for a few weeks and see how it goes.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): In honor of National Potato Month I want you to deep dive into the world of potatoes. I want you eating hash browns, baked potatoes, latkes, au gratin, tater tots, mashers, roasters, gnocchis, potato soup, and of course some french fries from The Wolf.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): In honor of Better Breakfast Month I must insist that you do better than coffee and cigarettes for breakfast. At least throw a banana in there or something.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): In honor of National Americana Month I want you to find at least two new Americana artists, one male and one female. Then I want you to blast your favorite songs while sitting on the porch and drinking mint juleps. Can you handle that?

Leo (July 23-Aug 22): It’s National Square Dance month! I can tell you’re excited. But even if square dancing isn’t your thing, have you tried country swing? It’s a blast! See if you can track down Casey Singer for some classes. Trust me on this.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22): In honor of National Honey Month I want you to buy a small beeswax candle, and some of your favorite tea and honey. One night a week, for the next 3 weeks, I want you to light the candle and quietly drink your tea while thinking of absolutely nothing.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct 22): In honor of Intergeneration Month, I want you to reach out to someone much older or younger than you. Write a postcard to a kid in your life, or call your local senior center to see about volunteering in their kitchen because they could really use the help.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): It’s National Italian Cheese Month!! You know what you have to do, don’t you? You have to go to the supermarket and buy a new Italian cheese you’ve never tried before. Please report back with your tasting notes.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): It’s National Disease Literacy Month. But because you’ve already been mired in a global pandemic for almost two years, your only task is to go outside, feel the sunshine on your face, close your eyes and breathe deeply.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): In honor of Classical Music Month I want you to find some awesome new classical music. Cello Submarine anyone? Or Vitamin String Orchestra’s cover of Bad Guy? And NO, it’s not elevator music.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): In honor of National Mushroom Month I want you to eat mushrooms. Not the magic mushrooms kind! That’s illegal. But see if you can get your hands on some fancy mushrooms from one of the local sellers and make up something delicious to eat.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20): In honor of Fall Hat Month go out and purchase yourself a stylish new hat to wear all around town. Or pull one down from the closet that you already have and add a little flair to it like feathers. Big. Feathers.

(A misalignment of the planets resulted in a duplicate of Miz Riv’s Horoscopes running in the 9/15 edition. The planets apologize for this snafu.)