Aries (March 21- April 19): I want you to be extra this week. Extra everything. For example, don’t be afraid to really shine. The sun gives zero effs if it blinds you while it shines. Be the sun.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): I see a big move in your future. Not sure if it’s across the country to Delaware or something random like that, or if you’re finally going to figure out how to checkmate an opponent. But it’s coming.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Now would be a good time to quit your job and go on sabbatical for the winter. But I want you to still do at least one productive-ish thing a day.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): The internet says that the very first ever coronavirus was discovered in July of 1965, making it astrologically a Cancer. What do you have to say for yourself about this?!

Leo (July 23-Aug 22): Bigfoot is the world champion of hide and seek. You are the world champion of instigating arguments in response to imagined slights. Knock it off.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22): No matter what you do, your day will end with you being shot out of a cannon. Godspeed.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22): You know what I love about you? Your witty sarcasm and impeccable dark humor. You should teach a class.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): I know you’ve got big decisions on your mind. How? I’m psychic. But I want you to really sit with your decisions and do all the weighing out before you act. Okay??

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Hey’s almost your birthday season! Whatcha got in mind for the upcoming year? Keep it mellow, go big, hide from the world, come out to the world? I can’t wait to know what you have in mind.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Remember how I once told you to adopt that wonky looking senior cat from the shelter? Well you haven’t done it yet. What are you waiting for?

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Deep Exhale. You’ve had a helluva week. But you made it through! Good job not losing your mind in the process.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Listen little fish, it’s going to get worse before it gets better. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you. So buckle up buttercup.