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Aries (March 21- April 19): New year, new you. And it’s time to get weird. Gymnastics on a floating dock in the middle of a lake? Oh heck yeah. Compete for a place in the rock-skipping Olympics? You must. Clown school? You know you want to.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Indubitably, it is time to renegotiate your terms of employment. Your soul crushing mistake was not including a powder clause for yourself. Remedy at once.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): No, you didn’t ask for movie recommendations but I’m going to give you some anyway. Don’t Look Up is all the rage these days, and for good reason. How about Bahubali? It’s the Bollywood you didn’t know you needed. And if you’ve never seen Lonesome Dove can you even call yourself a Westerner?

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Spending your 20’s in abject poverty sure did teach you how to be scrappy and make do. But it may just be time to shed some of that pack-rat behavior you’ve acquired. Like, there will be more plastic grocery bags. You don’t have to keep them all.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22): You should enter a beauty pageant. You know you’d win on awesomeness alone. At least you think you would.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22): For all of your funny neuroses you really are the best kind of pal a person could ask for — kind, considerate, and fiercely loyal. You’re a keeper Virgo!

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22): Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to listen to someone else’s whole story without interrupting or making it about yourself. No offering solutions either. Just listen.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): I don’t know if your mom ever told you this or not, but yes, you are made of stardust. That’s why you twinkle.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Don’t you think it would be fun to go to a summer camp for adults? Some benefactor sends you off to the mountains for a week to learn archery, swim in a lake, and sing songs around the campfire. You should work on finding a benefactor.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Have you heard? All the best valley employers are moving to a four day work week. The revolution has arrived. Three day weekends for everyone. Work-life balance, people!

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): You just had to go to Broulim’s without a mask on didn’t you? Now you have to play the game ‘Is it a normal cold or is it Covid?’ Have fun with that!

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Remember growing up and everyone would call you “sensitive”? Well look who has “emotional intelligence” now, sucka!